On the Edge of Fear Read online

  Craig’s words came back to him. “Don’t settle down with one until you’ve tasted all there is to taste.” Had he settled too soon?

  Ryan shook his head. No. He loved Alexis. All couples had to give and take. If she didn’t want him to have sex with anyone else, he wouldn’t. He would just hope she’d let him in her ass at some point because he wanted to try anal sex with her.

  “Hmm,” Alec said and Ryan glanced over at him. “Your sub looks off keel. Someone’s been naughty.”

  Ryan looked around until he spotted her. She was standing on the fairway, wringing her hands. “She definitely looks like something’s wrong. I’d best go get her to fess up. How soon do you need to know about tonight?”

  “When you get there. I’ll have a backup just in case.”

  He strode toward Alexis, who looked lost. She rubbed her arms as if cold even with the air a nice warm seventy-eight degrees. “Lex?” he said and she startled and stared up at him wide eyed. “What’s wrong?” He pulled her close, confused as she was shaking. “Baby? Are you okay?” He put his palm up to her forehead to check for a fever.

  “Worn out,” she murmured. “Would you mind if we picked something up from the cafeteria and then ate at the cabin? I could use some peace and quiet.”

  Ah. All the people had overwhelmed her. Ryan was amazed at the sheer amount of guests. He would have to ask Kendrick if they’d reached their maximum amount. Because it sure felt like it. “Of course, Lex. Come on.” He kept an arm firmly around her shoulders and guided her toward town. Hopefully a few hours of peace would bring her back to full energy again. He really wanted them to go to the dungeon, whether or not he got to play with Alec and James. He wanted Alexis to see all the wonderful things that were possible. For her. And for them.

  If he got to fuck James, that would be just the icing on the cake.

  Alexis didn’t start calming down until after they picked up dinner and went back to her cabin. In fact, it was almost like she was jittery one second and the moment he shut the door, her shoulders relaxed. Perhaps Alec was right and she had done something against their rules. He hoped she wasn’t scared to reveal whatever she’d done. He’d disciplined her several times over the last month and by now she had to know he wouldn’t harm her.

  Another one of Kendrick’s maxims came to mind. “Don’t expect a submissive and logic to go hand in hand, especially if they feel guilty about something. If it was purely logical, every time a sub messed up, she or he would come to you, confess, and beg for their spanking or whatever discipline you hand out. The only subs who come begging for a discipline spanking are masochists. Instead, most likely your sub will sit on it, stew on it, and build it up into a huge thing in their head that their Dom could never in a million lifetimes understand. Or at least that’s how they view it. Do what you need to, to get him or her to confess, even if you have to go through two rounds of discipline—one to bring out the confession and one to pay for their crime and for their hiding said crime.”

  “Is your roommate around?” Ryan asked as Alexis went up the stairs.

  “No. And I’ll be right down. I want to change out of this into something a lot less chastity-belt-ish.”

  He could understand it from her point of view, but he would rather she stayed in it. Seeing her in that belt turned him on. However, he wanted to keep her relaxed until after they ate. Then, if he hadn’t gotten through to her, he’d become more firm on the subject.

  When she came back downstairs, she wore a pair of short shorts and a camisole top, with her hair flat down her back. She almost looked like a preteen. Instantly Ryan’s mind clicked to a possible play scene. He could be a teacher and she could be a naughty student. Now that would be fun. Especially if he got her one of those really itty-bitty skirts that covered nothing.

  She dug into her dinner voraciously which made him frown. “Did you eat lunch?” he asked as he watched her. Her hand froze and her eyes widened and then almost instantly shuttered. Ah. So that’s what the problem was.

  “Not the whole thing,” she hedged. “But I did eat.”

  “How much?”

  Her nose wrinkled slightly. “About half. The main entree wasn’t very good.”

  He couldn’t help himself. He laughed. “Yeah. I’ve got to agree with you. I’m not sure what the chef was thinking. But did you go back and get some more sides?” She was tiny and thin as a rail. With the exercise, her extra food intake was putting muscle on her body, but he still would like to see ten to fifteen extra pounds on her.

  “No.” She took another huge bite of her hamburger and swallowed. “I didn’t even realize I was so hungry. It’s been a crazy day.”

  “Agreed. My spanking arm is sore. I stopped counting how many asses I paddled today.” But his money sack was full. He looked forward to going to the bank on Monday. With the full four days of the holiday weekend, his deposit was going to be huge.

  Alexis snickered. “What do you do for a living? I spank people.”

  “And I love it,” he added with a grin, making her laugh. Knowing he couldn’t let her get away with it, he patted her hip. “We’ll take care of that after dinner. Anything else happen that I need to know about?”

  She stared at him, her eyes widening so far he half expected the eyeballs to pop out. Her mouth opened and he waited for her confession. Suddenly she looked down at her lap and shook her head. “No. Nothing else. “

  It was like having a door slammed in his face and he almost reeled back from it. “Alexis,” he said and she shook her head.

  “It’s nothing, Ryan. I’ve had a very exhausting day. So many people, so many guys and some women commenting on my steel underwear. It’s just been too much.” Her voice broke toward the end and he put his sandwich down and pulled her into a hug.

  “Ah, honey. I know it’s difficult. That’s one of the things about complete honesty. You probably think I don’t need to know about it, but I do. How can I take care of you right if I don’t know everything that’s going on?” She sniffled but didn’t answer. “Did someone say something that hurt you?” he asked, trying to find the string that would unravel her problem.

  “No,” she murmured.

  “Did anyone touch you?”

  She shook her head. “Not on purpose,” she murmured. “But many times I had to squeeze between people. I think several guys took the opportunity to cop a feel.”

  There were plenty of things he would have liked to say, but none of them would have been helpful. So he hugged her tighter. “Sorry, Lex,” he whispered and kissed the top of her head. He inhaled her scent which was a mixture of some sort of flowers. While he knew it was from her shampoo, he associated it with her. A couple times on the days she had to clean cabins, he’d used it as lubricant to rub one off in the shower. The heat increased the scent and it was better than any hand job he’d ever had in his life.

  Alexis relaxed a little so he released her so they could finish eating. “I know you’ve been reticent about talking limits,” he said as they ate, “but I’m hoping tonight will help you to open your eyes to what yours might be. Don’t expect tons of things. But you’re going to see different types of play tonight. If nothing turns you on, then we might be looking at vanilla.” And oh god, he hoped not. “But from some of the ways you’ve reacted to stuff I’ve done in bed, I don’t think so.”

  She licked a little ketchup off her lips and glanced up at him, her gaze filled with worry. “What happens then? You need this kinky stuff to be happy, don’t you?”

  For a brief moment, he considered fudging the answer, but instantly tossed that out. He expected her to be honest with him so he had to be honest with her. “I do love kink,” he agreed as he played with a fry. “But if you’re not kinky, there are other ways to get my needs met.”

  She stilled. “Like the gal you tie up on Wednesdays.”

  “Exactly. I can play with others. But have a relationship with you.” This was a perfect jumping off spot for their discussion about Alec and James
.

  Before he could voice that, she asked, “How far would that go?” She pulled away from him slightly and turned to look him fully in the face.

  He took a long, deep breath before replying. “That’s something we would have to decide. I have my limits list. It lists all the things I do currently, the stuff I want to learn, and the stuff I won’t do. I’ve been told it will change a lot over the years so it’s an ever growing thing. If you’re ready, you can look at it. I think you should,” he pressed softly. “Some of it might scare you, but remember that if you aren’t interested in that type of play, we won’t do that together. But it will give you an idea of what I might be interested in doing in scene with someone else.”

  She nibbled on her lower lip, an action that always made him want to take over and nibble her entire body. Now was not the time. They were discussing something serious. Inwardly he crossed his fingers. What if she wanted nothing to do with kink? Sure she accepted his dominance and discipline, but there were so many other things he was interested in. And most of them he would like to try with her. There were things like CBT that could only be achieved with a male sub, but he could handle never doing those if she didn’t want him to play with someone else. As long as she was open at least a little to some other things.

  Or would be open to letting him play with others.

  Craig’s words about not settling down went through his head again and he wished he could swat them away. He wasn’t Craig. Had no wish to be him. He wanted Alexis in his life for the foreseeable future.

  “Okay,” she said in a whisper. “Perhaps it’s time I looked at that list.”

  They finished their meal in silence, though it didn’t feel oppressive to him. She was thinking and he wanted to move onto the limits discussion quickly. First, though, he had to take care of the luncheon problem.

  As soon as they tossed the to-go containers in the recyclable container, he waved toward the stairs. “Come on. Let’s go up and take care of your infraction first. Then we can discuss limits.”

  “I ate part of it,” she said in a pitiful voice. She even pushed out her lower lip in a bit of a pout. If he hadn’t been prepared for the many ways a submissive would try to get out of a spanking from Kendrick’s lessons, he would have caved.

  “I know. But following half a rule isn’t really following it. Is it?”

  Alexis sighed and shook her head. “I never know whether to be grateful you always do what you say or to be pissed about it.”

  He laughed, understanding the conundrum. A sub’s ‘Please give me boundaries and make sure they’re thick enough I can’t break through, but oh man, do you have to make them that solid?’ “It depends on whether it’s before or after the spanking.”

  Once they got inside her room, he closed the door. If her roommate came home, she’d hear the spanking, but the closed door gave them the semblance of privacy. He took a seat on the end of her bed and beckoned her over. “All right,” he said once she reached him. “Why am I spanking you?”

  “You know why,” she said in a bit of a waspish tone.

  “Alexis,” he said, a little sharply. Pink flooded into her cheeks. “That attitude is not going to help. It’s just going to lengthen and strengthen the amount of time you spend over my lap. Plus we’ve been together for a month now. You’ve been spanked for missing meals before. So this one’s going to be more intense.”

  Her eyes went a little glassy and her lips trembled. “I’m healthy.”

  “I’m going to make sure you stay that way. Plus, you agreed to the rules.”

  There was a moment where her mouth firmed and he half expected her to tell him where to go. Instead, her shoulders flumped forward and she pushed her shorts and panties down over her hips. She bent over his lap and instead of letting her rest her upper body on the bed like he did most times, he made sure she hung over his lap, just like with the first spanking. With him on the bed, it lifted her high enough that neither her toes nor her fingers touched the ground. “Now, why are you here?” he asked again as he pushed her shorts and panties all the way down to her ankles.

  “Ryan!”

  He smacked her hand lightly when it came back to stop him. “Alexis, why are you here?”

  “Because I broke our rules,” she said in a mulish tone.

  A part of him wanted to laugh. She sounded like Becca when she was in trouble. It made his heart soar. He had to be doing something right. However, laughing would take away from the lesson he wanted her to remember.

  “Yes you did. I’m going to hit you full strength for twenty swats.” She relaxed and he shook his head. He’d spanked her far more times before, though at less than half strength. Alexis probably thought this would be a cake walk. “One.” He pulled his hand back and smacked her hard over her right butt cheek. A gasp whooshed out of her lips and he’d already brought his hand down for “Two” when she let out a screech.

  “Ryan, that hurts!”

  “Three.” He smacked right over the central area of her ass and she cried out. “It’s supposed to hurt, Alexis. If it didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t help.”

  “I’m really beginning to hate that phrase,” she snapped, shimmying to get off his lap. He grasped her waist with his other hand and pulled her against him.

  “Four.” His hand fell onto her right cheek again. “And no you don’t.” She’d revealed to him that she’d already found the discomfort from a spanking to be helpful. No doubt she hated that she’d told him that. By the time he reached ten, she was hiccupping. By twenty, she was a sobbing mess and her ass was a beautiful shiny rose color. Ryan rubbed lightly over the heat as she worked the tears out of her system.

  “Ryan,” she whispered.

  “Yes?”

  She sniffled. “If I had something really bad to tell you, how hard would you hit me then?”

  “Lex, I would never hit you,” he said, horrified at the thought. He knew some people were into beating as a kink. He wasn’t. “And you would never, ever receive discipline for telling me anything. I think what you want to know is how hard of a spanking you’d receive if you told me something that you think is really bad. Is that it?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” she said with another sniffle.

  “Well.” He considered the question. “That’s difficult for me to answer. I’m not a sadist and I don’t enjoy giving pain for pain’s sake. On the other hand, I do believe in discipline. I guess…” Ryan really didn’t know how to answer that. “I guess take the power of the blows I gave just you and add in a wooden paddle. That would be the harshest discipline I could give. It would hurt, Lex, no doubt about it. You’d feel it for days. But I think that’s something I wouldn’t do until we’d been in a relationship for a while and if you kept breaking the same rule over and over and over.” He kept rubbing over her skin. It was so wonderfully soft and with the heat coming off it, it warmed him.

  “Let me ask you this. Does discipline help you?”

  She let out a whimper. “Not a fair question.”

  He laughed. “It is, love. It truly is. Does it help you?”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Then that’s the answer. If it helps, we keep it up.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Her butt hurt really bad. It ached and burned and she was sure they could roast marshmallows over it. Ryan had never swung that hard before and it was a bit of a wakeup call. She’d considered what they were doing fun. And that must be what it was. What he’d just given her was unlike anything he’d done before. She was never going to do anything to suffer through that again. No way. That shit hurt. Which meant that they were moving into deeper stuff and… wait.

  She looked back over her shoulder at him, moving the hair out of her face to see him. He gazed at her, such a wonderful expression in his eyes, one she’d never expected to see toward her. “Love?” she whispered.

  For a moment, he startled. Then he smiled and helped her to her feet. Before she could gain her balance, he pulled her back with him ont
o the bed. Her buttocks touched the blanket and she rolled so that she lay on top of him. Hot ass on a rough blanket was not a good combination.

  “Yes, Lex,” he murmured and she looked into his face. “I love you.”

  It was like getting smacked with a huge wave that she never saw coming. Alexis burst into huge sobs and she grasped hold of him as she wept and blubbered and bawled. Gut-wrenching cries left her throat. He loved her. That anyone loved her was the most amazing thing in the world. That Ryan loved her was a miracle. He wrapped her up in his arms and legs and held onto her as she sobbed. He never hushed her or told her to stop. Instead, he kissed the top of her head, murmured how much he loved her, and let her get on with it.

  How had she deserved this? Surely she hadn’t. Maybe this was payback for what her father did to her. The universe was finally paying for that mistake.

  When her sobs turned to sniffles, he rolled them onto their sides. “Are you okay?”

  She snorted a laugh. “Define okay.” She glanced up at him, her eyes burning having cried herself out. “I love you, too.”

  He beamed and kissed her. “Oh, Lex, really? That… that’s…” He laughed. “So good I can’t come up with the word to describe it.” He kissed her firmer and pulled back. “I feel like we’re really moving in the same direction. We love each other and we’ll figure our way from here.” He kissed her again. “Hold on. Let me grab my limits list. This is the perfect time to talk about it.”

  She laughed as he disentangled himself from her and slid off the bed. Her shorts and panties were still at her ankles, but she felt no desire to pull them up. For one thing, she had the feeling it would hurt. For another, it didn’t matter that she was half naked. Not with Ryan.

  He pulled out several pieces of paper from the drawer where he kept his clothes and slid back in next to her. “Okay. Now, you won’t recognize everything, but I want you to focus on the stuff I enjoy and practice now. Tomorrow anything could happen. But you should look at what I do and see if any of it sounds interesting. Of course, if anything else sounds interesting, let me know that too,” he added hurriedly.