On the Edge of Fear Read online

  The words were nice, but she had a hard time connecting them with the actions. “But doesn’t rape harm?”

  “Rape play,” he said firmly. “In real rape, the person raped is going to come out of it in worse shape, physically and mentally, and that harm could affect them weeks, months, or even for the rest of their life. In rape play, they may be hurt physically, but no irreparable mental harm should come to them. Of course you also have to keep in mind that what is harm to one, is a fun kinky day to another.”

  Unable not to, she snorted a laugh.

  “There you go. I knew there had to be a sense of humor in there somewhere.” He winked. “Come on. Let me show you the area I’m going to have you work on.”

  They walked beyond the Faire and came across one of the pods of houses. Every pod included ten cabins and they were set in a circle around a joint area filled with grass. “These cabins haven’t gotten a thorough cleaning since last fall. As three of them will have inhabitants by autumn and hopefully more soon after that, I need you to clean each one top to bottom.”

  She’d expected him to show her where the supplies were and then leave her to it. Instead, he worked with her for the first hour. Alexis learned more than she expected because when he showed her that she needed to clean even in the tiniest nooks and crannies, she wondered why. “When you’re playing,” he explained, “bodily fluids can get everywhere. A female sub who squirts, or a male sub when they come, can get things messy. So while we gave them a cleaning last year, I want them completely spotless now.”

  After he ensured she knew how to clean everything, he left and Alexis got down to work. Now that she understood the reasoning for his anal-retentive cleaning regimen, she was all for it. She was never so grateful for her thick gloves and face mask.

  Chapter Twelve

  With time on his hands, Ryan decided to start talking to Doms who had helped subs through trauma. There were several of them, but as if drawn like a moth to a flame, he walked directly to Alec’s cabin. He supposed everyone had certain people they innately trusted. For him, those people were all on the island. Kendrick, Alice, Neil, James, Mark, his parents, and Alec were people he knew would always have his back. While he was mentored often by Kendrick, the other Doms were always good for a piece of advice. There were several subs on the island he was friendly with, but James was the only one he knew would never let him down.

  In a way, James was the reason he was at Alec’s door. Alec had helped many subs in the past, but James was his and he’d helped and was still helping James get over his horrible family. Considering Alexis’s problems stemmed from actions by her father, Ryan felt Alec and James would be a good place to start.

  The door opened to his knock and Alec smiled. “Ryan, good timing. I just threw some hamburgers on the grill. Come on in.”

  The cabins had the same basic layout. Living area and kitchen downstairs, bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs. However, the interior design changed depending on the resident. Ryan’s parents’ cabin looked much different. Whereas they had off-white walls, carpet, and comfortable, cushy furniture, Alec’s cabin had deep taupe walls with oak wainscoting, wood floors, and leather furniture. There was also a carpet runner on the stairs for Zippo, James’s dog, to be able to make it up and down easily on his three legs.

  Ryan followed Alec out onto the back deck. Whereas most everyone’s back deck was completely open to everything, theirs had a three-foot fence around the exterior for Zippo’s safety. “Have a seat,” Alec said as he grabbed a jug of lemonade and poured Ryan a glass. “What brings you by today?”

  Glad he didn’t have to bring up the subject, Ryan sat down next to a pillar and took a sip of lemonade. “Have you heard about Alexis?”

  Alec shot him a grin. “The girl you asked Kendrick to find a job for? Yes I did. James says she’s pretty and very polite.”

  He nodded. “She is. But she has a really difficult past. I… I want to help her get over that, but as I’m not a Dom yet, I—”

  “I’m home.” James’s voice floated out from the house and Alec’s eyes lit up.

  “Out here, James.”

  Zippo trotted out onto the porch and came to see what Ryan was up to. Once he’d scratched him behind the ears, the little dog hopped off the porch and ran to Alec.

  “Food smells good, Chief.” James walked outside, stretching his shoulders. “Ryan, come for lunch? Alec makes a mean hamburger.”

  “He came for some advice,” Alec said as he stepped over. He pulled James into a hungry kiss. It was like every part of them touched from nose to knees until he released him. James looked suitably dazed, and more relaxed, when he was done. “That’s a better look, pup. What has you stressed?”

  James moved his mouth back and forth as though trying to figure out how to say something. Alec smacked him hard on the ass, bringing forth a wince. “Do you mind if I leave Zippo here this afternoon? There are five prospective co-op buyers coming in and all the noise is going to get a bit much.”

  “Of course not. You can leave Zippo with me any time. He’s no trouble.” Alec walked back to the grill and flipped the burgers.

  “Thanks.” James smiled and poured a glass of lemonade before joining Ryan on the porch. “So what kind of advice do you need?”

  “Before that,” Alec said as he separated buns onto a few plates, “I want to know what makes you think you’re not a Dom yet?” He leveled a look at Ryan that made him gulp.

  “I don’t know enough.”

  “And?” Alec asked as if that wasn’t a problem.

  “How can I be a Dom? You are with all your knowledge and you’re good at it. But I still don’t know what kind of Dom I’m going to be.” When I grow up, he added mentally.

  Alec put the burgers on the buns and added cheese before handing them over. “First off, you’re a Dom. Bottom line. You have the instincts for one. But mainly, you’ve been attracted to it from the beginning. You’re a Dom, Ryan. I think you’re getting lost in the semantics. No, you don’t have a lot of experience, but you have to start somewhere.”

  “I don’t know if it matters,” James said quietly, “but I agree with Alec. You have that…” He waved his hand in the air. “Aura of a Dom. It’s not as intense as Kendrick’s or Craig’s, but then you aren’t the same type of Dom.” He shrugged and turned a little pink. “That probably sounds stupid. And I’m learning anyway.”

  “But he makes a valid point,” Alec said as he sat behind James and pulled him back against his chest. “You might be comparing yourself against a measuring stick that doesn’t fit. Tell me this. Is James a sub?”

  Ryan startled. “Of course he is.”

  “But he’s just started out a couple months ago. You’ve been on your journey for two years. What makes you less of a Dom than he is a sub?”

  He opened his mouth and shoved the burger inside while he tried to come up with an answer. Once he swallowed, he said, “There’s just so much I don’t know.”

  Alec snorted a laugh. “Join the club, Ryan. Every sub is a new experience. No matter if they seem like other subs you’ve known, every single one of them comes with their own problems, pasts, issues, and kinks. Every time a Dom takes on a sub, yes, he or she is bringing with them the knowledge of past experience, but it’s still new. The thing is you have to start somewhere. And you have. You’ve been scening for two years. You’re getting the physical down. I think you’re more concerned with the mental.”

  Well, that was hitting it spot on. Zippo hopped up onto the porch and wagged at him so Ryan tore off a piece of the burger and handed it over. The little dog gobbled it up and went over to James and Alec to see what he could get. “I wish I knew what kind of Dom I was,” he said quietly.

  James looked over at him as Zippo licked his fingers. “Alec gave me a listing of different types when I started studying it. After I’d read it, he tossed it in the fireplace. He said, and I quote, ‘That list is shit. No Dom fits a mold just like no sub fits a mold. As long as the Dom and su
b’s needs match, that’s all that matters.’”

  Alec turned James’s chin toward him and kissed him lightly. “Well said, pup.” He turned his gaze to Ryan. “As you’ve never expressed this before, I’m taking it has to do with the girl.”

  Heat flooded into Ryan’s face but he nodded. “I don’t want to offer her a baby Dom.”

  A huge bark of a laugh burst from Alec’s lips. Zippo jumped at the sound and a few birds burst from their trees, cawing as they flew away. “Oh, Ryan,” he said with a chuckle. His hazel eyes twinkled, but not in an unkind way. In fact, Ryan felt a brief moment of recognition in those eyes. “We’ve all been there, my friend. I was brash enough that it took another Dom to help me temper my attitude. You’re starting out cautious, which I totally understand. But you need to realize something. You have to start somewhere and with someone. Nobody ever offers themselves as a complete person. Everyone we’re with we learn from.”

  He gave James a kiss on his temple and closed his eyes for a moment. Ryan stared at the two men, happily ensconced in each other’s arms, and felt the desire for what they had. Alec opened his eyes and winked. “Ask yourself the following question. Am I asking these things because I’m scared? Or am I asking these things because I want to be the best for her? Or even am I asking these things because I’m not sure I want to be with her?”

  “I want to be with Alexis,” Ryan said firmly. “She… she’s strong and she’s been through hell and yet there’s this wonderful light within her that she hasn’t let die. I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake.” And hurt her further.

  “You will,” Alec said with a wry smile. “Being a Dom does not preclude you from making mistakes. You’ll never be perfect. You’ll never be all-knowing. No matter how much you might wish you were. And how much your sub wishes you were,” he added, making James snicker. “Here’s the difference. You know we emphasize honesty with the force of a sledgehammer. As a Dom, you’d best get used to apologizing. And mean it. If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize sincerely. Don’t let her get away with something because of it. Just because you made a mistake does not mean she gets a ‘get out of rule-breaking’ card.”

  “It means a lot,” James said in his quiet tone. “It shocks me every time he does it, but when Alec apologizes for doing something, I fall a little more in love with him. It makes it easier when I have to confess something to him. Knowing he isn’t perfect helps me know it’s okay to show my imperfection. How many people in this day and age own up to their mistakes willingly without a grudge? It’s an amazing thing.”

  It was an amazing thing. Ryan wondered if possibly he could start something with Alexis. He still wasn’t sure he had the skillset yet to be a good Dom, but he supposed he needed to start somewhere. And he had a ton of good Doms to lean on if he needed them.

  Zippo let out a yip and Ryan turned to watch him chase a butterfly across the yard. Ryan smiled. Wouldn’t it be nice to have Zippo’s temperament? He never considered if he should be able to do something with only three legs. He just did it.

  Perhaps I need to be a little more like Zippo.

  Chapter Thirteen

  With a groan, Alexis stood up, her entire body one big ache. After Kendrick left, she’d attacked the upper floor first, figuring working up to down would be a good way to do it. But as she’d just cleaned the bottom step and felt a million years old as every muscle and tendon in her body complained, she wasn’t so sure about that.

  She leaned her head against the wall and took a couple deep breaths. As he had helped her with the kitchen, all she had to finish was the living room and then she could move onto the next house. The thought of doing so rather horrified her. Was getting a regular job the better way to go?

  An image of Ryan filled her mind and she smiled. Perhaps it was. If she could see him through the summer, it might be worth it.

  The door opened, surprising her, and she blinked as a tall girl around her age walked in. She had bottle-blonde hair and a pretty smile. No doubt she was a good girl and should be the kind that would end up with Ryan. That took all the happiness out of her.

  “Hi, you must be Alexis,” she said with a huge smile. “I’m Christine. Kendrick said you probably needed some food so I brought this.” She glanced at the cleaning supplies at Alexis’s feet and wrinkled her nose. “Wow. You got the shitty job. I would have walked away.”

  There was no snarky attitude in the blonde. In fact, she seemed openly friendly. As such, Alexis didn’t instantly bite back. “It’s back-breaking work,” she said with a wince. “I’m trying to decide if the job’s worth it.”

  Christine laughed and handed her a square container. “Oh it is. It means we get to live on a kinky island all summer. Says win-win to me. Oh and I brought this too.” She reached into a backpack that looked brand new and brought out a huge cup of coffee. “Hope you like mocha lattes. They’re my undoing.”

  “Thanks.” Alexis slid down the wall to the floor and opened up the container. The rich scents of barbecued pork and macaroni and cheese filled her nostrils and she moaned. “This smells wonderful.”

  “Oh it is,” Christine said and sat down across from her. “The chef is amazing. He’s also hot. I’m hoping to convince him to play with me but I’ve heard he’s a hard Dom to convince.”

  “How long have you been into it?” Alexis asked as she dug in.

  “Just this last year. I mean, I knew my parents were into some alternative lifestyle but I had no idea it was this. But I’m a little different than they are. They’re more on the B and D side of the equation. Give me the S and M.”

  As she swallowed a gulp of coffee, Alexis pondered that. “Is that common? The whole BDSM thing going down family lines?”

  “I don’t think so.” Christine frowned slightly. “Then again, until we moved here, kink was never mentioned. It’s probably more likely that kids of parents who live here might be in it, because, well, it’s right outside their door for one. And for another, their parents aren’t going to be shocked, now are they?”

  Amused and saddened, Alexis nodded. Perhaps if her father had been part of some alternative lifestyle rather than the conservative one he’d been in, things would have been different. “Do you know Ryan?” she found herself asking.

  “I met him this morning,” Christine said brightly. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”

  Grinning, Alexis nodded. “He is that.”

  “Too bad he’s not a sadist or I’d play with him.”

  That made Alexis blink. “You like pain?”

  Christine shook her head. “More like I crave it. It releases all my stress and sends me to a place where it becomes something else entirely.” She paused and added, “But only if they know what they’re doing. That Master Craig, the Discipline Master? Holy yum, Batman. That man knows how to swing a whip.” She turned, winced, and then giggled, her mouth spreading into a wide smile. “The welts he gave me this morning are going to last a couple days.”

  Thankfully eating gave her a reason not to talk and once she’d started eating, Alexis realized how starved she was. Living on the streets, she’d gotten used to eating only when she could. Given the choice of spending money on a motel room or on food, she always chose the room. She could handle an empty stomach. Getting attacked while sleeping in an alley was something else entirely.

  “So Ryan’s not a sadist,” she said once she’d finished. He’d said as much, but hearing it from someone else was nice.

  “No. After I met him, I asked my dad. He says Ryan’s more on the bondage and discipline side of the equation. He calls him a gentleman Dom, whatever that means,” Christine added with a laugh. “You done?” She pointed toward the container and Alexis nodded. “All right. I’ll take that back with me so you don’t have to cart it around with the trash.” She stood up quickly. “Nice to meet you, Alexis. Kendrick said you and I will be delivering meals Thursday through Sunday, so I’ll see you then.” She waved and left.

  Alexis stood up, finding the rest an
d the food had renewed her energy. Plus, she had half of the coffee left. After using the bathroom, she gave it a quick scrub and attacked the living room. A gentleman Dom. That was a good description of Ryan—and one she found she liked.

  By five, she had the second house half-cleaned and reached a point where she just couldn’t do anymore. But should she stop? Alexis nibbled on her lower lip. She didn’t want to lose her job the first day just because she couldn’t cut it. It wasn’t hard work, though it was exhausting.

  Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out. The caller ID was Kendrick’s. Surprised to receive a text from him—and a bit worried—she opened it up.

  Quitting time. Leave your supplies in whatever home you’re in and enjoy your evening. Start up where you left off tomorrow.

  Relieved, she sent him a quick thank-you and after putting her supplies in a corner, left for her cabin. For as clean as she had made the first cabin and part of the second, she felt dirty. She definitely needed a shower before she went to dinner with Ryan.

  On her way back to the cabin, her phone pinged with a text.

  Ryan: Looking forward to tonight. Do you want to go to the cafeteria? Or I could pick us up the dinners and we could eat on the beach and watch the sun go down.

  He really was a romantic. On the beach sounds wonderful, she texted back.